cancer free for one year

I honestly forgot today was the day until this fantastic cake was delivered to me this morning.

The delivery man from the Provo Baker said he had a cake to Katie from Lisa.  I looked down at the cake in his arms and viewed one of the strangest looking cakes I've ever seen.  A face with a mask on it.

For a split second it looked like a scary Jason mask… until I read the words "Happy Anniversary!" underneath.  Today is my anniversary!  My one year being cancer free anniversary.  This is a much happier occasion to celebrate than what occurred in January.  That scary blue mask on the cake is my radiation mask.  My TARDIS.  Remember this guy?

My Aunt Lisa is so loving she remembered this day and sent me this wonderful cake to celebrate.

I ran to my bedroom and found my journal from last year under my bed.  I flipped to Wednesday 05/29/2013, and here is a piece of that journal entry:
"I'm done!  I'm done!  I'm done with radiation!  It is very surreal.  Even while I laid on the table with that beam buzzing for the final time I thought, 'This is surreal'.  In a way I'm kind of bummed.  I really feel like my radiation therapists were my friends and I'm going to miss them.
During the radiation the final song to come on was 'Casimir Pulaski Day' by Sufjan Stevens.  It's about a girl who dies from cancer.  Oh man.  That will not be me!
After radiation they lowered the table and allowed me to try and break my way out of the mask.  It's impossible.  During my radiation stimulation at the beginning of radiation the techs assured me that I would be able to.  Lies.  Lies to try and calm me while they strapped my head to a table.  At least today I tried… then gave up.  Hey!  It's not possible.
I said goodbye, hope I never see you again!  Had an appointment with Dr. Eisbruch and got outta there.  The cookies I made for my techs were a hit by the way.
After radiation I planted flowers and I came home and swam.  Now life proceeds…."

And wow.  Life certainly has proceeded since then.  I'm so grateful for my life!  I'm grateful for being alive and, especially as of lately, for truly living life.

So, words of advice to myself for the day.  Stop being complacent and go live!  You are lucky to be alive.

happy cancerversary

One year ago today I was diagnosed with cancer.  Cancer!  They didn't know what kind it was when they called me on the phone and said the word, 'malignant', but my final diagnosis was a 'high grade myxofibrosarcoma'.

After a month of testing and a long Martin Luther King Jr. Day weekend, I found myself in my lab on campus.  Finally the call came that I had been waiting over a week for.  Surely she was going to tell me I was fine.  Surely the bump was benign and I could stick to my scheduled February surgery.  And as you know, that was not the case.  The nurse practitioner whom I have never met called and said that word, "malignant".  I didn't really hear what she said after that.  Something about calling her if I had questions.  Questions?  I had zero questions at the moment.  Should I have questions?  I surely should.  I thanked her… for some reason, and said goodbye.  And then I cried.  I was in my lab on BYU campus full of people that I love.  I went into the back corner by the computer and cried for a bit while I called Julie Hunter, one of my closest friends.  I couldn't quite handle calling my parents until I had myself under control.  I received a few hugs and "I'm sorrys" from my wonderful lab mates.  I called Kaylie and I think my sobbing let her in on the secret of what just happened.  She picked me up from school and just let me cry.  Because I was scared and sad.  The beautiful thing is the trust that I later felt.  Trust in God that I had never so tangibly felt before.  I've before had experiences where great trust in God was required.  I was baptized a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints when I was 17, the only one in my family.  That required a lot of trust.  I served an 18 month mission for my church where I took school off and wasn't able to talk to my parents on the phone but just spent all day serving.  That required a lot of trust.  I've had my heart broken and tried to know that it was right.  That required a lot of trust.  But the trust I felt in God when I was diagnosed with cancer was the greatest trust I've ever felt in Him before.

It's easy to talk about the should haves and the should have nots.  Like I should have been a normal college student continuing in school.  I should have not had to pause life and fight my body's fight against itself.  But, alas, that is not what life is about.  If life were perfect and troubles never beseeched us then it would be kind of boring.  And we wouldn't grow in the way troubles allow us to.
I am grateful for my cancer.  I feel like I can say that because I have lived through it.  It has made me better.  More compassionate, more grateful for life, and frankly a bit more interesting.

Here I am, one year later.  Healthy!  Still going to my 3 month check-ups.  Still a bit frightened they'll find something new.  But a better person overall.  Because cancer definitely changes you.  It may disfigure your body a bit.  And even your mind.  But I have come to a healthy place with cancer where I'm not embarrassed of it (clearly) and where I can see the good it has brought.

So…. Happy Cancerversary to me!  Amy even got me a present to celebrate!