happy cancerversary

One year ago today I was diagnosed with cancer.  Cancer!  They didn't know what kind it was when they called me on the phone and said the word, 'malignant', but my final diagnosis was a 'high grade myxofibrosarcoma'.

After a month of testing and a long Martin Luther King Jr. Day weekend, I found myself in my lab on campus.  Finally the call came that I had been waiting over a week for.  Surely she was going to tell me I was fine.  Surely the bump was benign and I could stick to my scheduled February surgery.  And as you know, that was not the case.  The nurse practitioner whom I have never met called and said that word, "malignant".  I didn't really hear what she said after that.  Something about calling her if I had questions.  Questions?  I had zero questions at the moment.  Should I have questions?  I surely should.  I thanked her… for some reason, and said goodbye.  And then I cried.  I was in my lab on BYU campus full of people that I love.  I went into the back corner by the computer and cried for a bit while I called Julie Hunter, one of my closest friends.  I couldn't quite handle calling my parents until I had myself under control.  I received a few hugs and "I'm sorrys" from my wonderful lab mates.  I called Kaylie and I think my sobbing let her in on the secret of what just happened.  She picked me up from school and just let me cry.  Because I was scared and sad.  The beautiful thing is the trust that I later felt.  Trust in God that I had never so tangibly felt before.  I've before had experiences where great trust in God was required.  I was baptized a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints when I was 17, the only one in my family.  That required a lot of trust.  I served an 18 month mission for my church where I took school off and wasn't able to talk to my parents on the phone but just spent all day serving.  That required a lot of trust.  I've had my heart broken and tried to know that it was right.  That required a lot of trust.  But the trust I felt in God when I was diagnosed with cancer was the greatest trust I've ever felt in Him before.

It's easy to talk about the should haves and the should have nots.  Like I should have been a normal college student continuing in school.  I should have not had to pause life and fight my body's fight against itself.  But, alas, that is not what life is about.  If life were perfect and troubles never beseeched us then it would be kind of boring.  And we wouldn't grow in the way troubles allow us to.
I am grateful for my cancer.  I feel like I can say that because I have lived through it.  It has made me better.  More compassionate, more grateful for life, and frankly a bit more interesting.

Here I am, one year later.  Healthy!  Still going to my 3 month check-ups.  Still a bit frightened they'll find something new.  But a better person overall.  Because cancer definitely changes you.  It may disfigure your body a bit.  And even your mind.  But I have come to a healthy place with cancer where I'm not embarrassed of it (clearly) and where I can see the good it has brought.

So…. Happy Cancerversary to me!  Amy even got me a present to celebrate!